To Better Serve You

God would like you to fill in the following

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

Newspaper
Bible
Torah
Television
Book of Mormon
Divine Inspiration
Dead Sea Scrolls
My Mama Done Tol' Me
Near Death Experience
Near Life Experience
National Public Radio
Tabloid
Burning Shrubbery
Other

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

Yahweh
Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
Jehovah
Jesus
Krishna
Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
Allah
Satan
Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes
No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply:

Not eternal
Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
Not omniscient
Not omnipotent
Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
Permits sex outside of marriage
Prohibits sex outside of marriage
Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson)
Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
Requires burnt offerings
Requires virgin sacrifices

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply.

Indoctrinated by parents
Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus whom to despise
Imaginary friend grew up
Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death
Wanted to piss off parents
Needed a day away from work
Desperate need for certainty
Like organ music
Need to feel morally superior
Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Shit was falling out of the sky
My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

Mick Jagger
Cthulhu
Baal
The Almighty Dollar
Bill Gates
Left-Wing Liberalism
The Radical Right
Ra
Beelzebub
Barney
The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin
The Sun
Elvis
Cindy Crawford
The Moon
Burning Shrubbery
Other

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

Tarot
Lottery
Astrology
Television
Fortune cookies
Ann Landers
Psychic Friends Network
Dianetics
Palmistry
Playboy and/or Playgirl
Self-help books
Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
Biorhythms
Alcohol
Bill Clinton
Tea Leaves
EST
The Internet
Mantras
Jimmy Swaggert
Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
Human Sacrifice
Pyramids
Wandering Around a Desert
Insurance Policies
Burning Shrubbery
Barney
Teletubbies
Other
None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (select one)?

More Divine Intervention
Less Divine Intervention
Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following: (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

A. Disasters:

Flood:	1	2	3	4	5
Famine:	1	2	3	4	5
Earthquake:	1	2	3	4	5
War:	1	2	3	4	5
Pestilence:	1	2	3	4	5
Plague:	1	2	3	4	5
Spam:	1	2	3	4	5
AOL:	1	2	3	4	5
Ken Starr:	1	2	3	4	5

B. Miracles:

Rescues:	1	2	3	4	5
Spontaneous remissions:	1	2	3	4	5
Stars hovering over jerkwater towns:	1	2	3	4	5
Crying statues:	1	2	3	4	5
Water changing to wine:	1	2	3	4	5
Walking on water:	1	2	3	4	5
VCRs that set their own clocks:	1	2	3	4	5
Saddam Hussein still alive:	1	2	3	4	5
Getting any sex whatsoever:	1	2	3	4	5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 30, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of beings entered).

Thank You,
Daryl
Clerk of the Supreme Being of the Apocalypse